Mourning Gizmo

Gizmo was hit and killed by a car tonight. I sit here with tears streaming down my face wondering if it was in some way my fault. He's always been a lot to handle, but even moreso since Emma was born. I've spent so much time wishing he was gone because it would make my life easier, but I never wanted him gone like this. I wanted him to be with a family that would love him and have older kids that he could actually play with. I wanted him to be happy and I know that he hasn't been happy here for a long time. He spent his days in the back hallway and his nights in his carrier. Our lives got busy and we got slack in the amount of time and affection we gave to him. Over and over again I sit here and ask myself why I didn't appreciate him more. Why did it matter that he got hair all over the floors? Why did it matter that he liked to lick all over us to show us how much he loved us? Did he die miserable and wondering what happened to the fun and loving family he used to have? I feel like it must be my fault for acting towards him the way I have for the past year and a half. Maybe this is my punishment. Except that Chad is being punished too, although he never did anything to be punished for. He would never admit it but he loved Gizmo so much. I always told him he was putting up a front when he said you should never get too attached to dogs because they will just get run over (which several of his did when he was young). I never knew how true his words would be. I know how much he loved Gizmo though.

I say this all happened since Emma was born, but it really had nothing to do with her. We just got busier at that time. Now Emma won't even have any memories of her first pet. She's not been a fan of being in the same room with Gizmo because he liked to lick her face, which she did not like. She has recently started giving him treats through the gate though, and she thought that was fun. I wonder if she'll even notice that he's not around anymore.

It's strange how the things that annoyed me before are some of the things i'm going to miss most now that he's gone.....